Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE is named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be that hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?
If a dog barks his head off in the forest, and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
(No, dogs get a “Go Directly To Heaven” card. Do not pass “Go”. Do not collect $200. Go directly to Heaven. – Vikar)
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Here is a list of a few of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the smell.
3. The sofa is not a face towel.
4. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
5. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
6. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
7. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
8. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
9. I will not throw up in the car.
10. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
11. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.
12. And God, when I get to Heaven, can I have my testicles back?
Feline Physics Laws – Cat Jokes
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.